When I changed my phone recently I forgot to move a load of numbers over from the memory of the old one. So when it rang the other day, I didn't realise who it was straight away. To appreciate the full glory of this conversation, you need to be able to imagine a strong Middlesbrough accent.

Me: Hi, Bill Hilton -

Him: 'ELLO.

Me: Um, hi - who's this?

Him: Whadderyer mean, 'oo is it? It's ME.

Me: Oh, all right Ben. Well done on the A levels. I was thinking that...

Him: Ta. Now listen you. I'm not gonna to do PE anymore at Leeds.

Me: No?

Him: No. It's no good. I'm right, aren't I? PE's no good.

Me: Well...

Him: Right. No good. So I've decided, like, I'm gonna do - wait for it. Are yer ready?

Me: I'm ready.

Him: LAW. I'm gonna be a fockin' lawyer.

Me: [without hesitation] I'd hire you.

Him: SOUND. So when the fock do I start getting paid, like?

(Ben Needham is the only person I know who can talk in italics.)