So John Humphreys has been rapped over the knuckles by BBC Director General Mark Thompson after making 'misguided' remarks about members of the government during an after-dinner speaking engagement. He was grassed in by former Labour spin doctor Tim Allan.

For the benefit of the villains, some home truths. Mark: although in some ways you seem like quite a nice bloke nobody really likes you. I guess it's because you'll always be associated with craven submission to the government in the wake of the Kelly affair. On the other hand many people admire John Humphreys. He can be cantankerous, true, and I sometimes wonder if he's a bit more rightwing than I'd like. But you have to admit he's sincere. To make things worse, you're bollocking him for simply telling the truth: the notion that contemporary politicians 'don't give a bugger' whether they lie isn't news to anyone. It is not the place of jobsworths to throw stones at giants.

Tim: nobody likes a grasser. Scuttling off to tell your Labour mates that a BBC man has been saying rude things about them does not make you Cato. Especially as you seem to have done it three months after the event during a quiet time for home news. Apparently you're now facing legal action from the company that hired Humphreys as a speaker. Although I wouldn't wish too much ill upon you, being taken to the cleaners for a few grand that you can obviously afford would be a just punishment for being a sneaking do-gooder.

Instead of being bitchy and New Labourish, we should all be more like Eugene Hutz - no relation to Lionel. Eugene is a New York-based Ukrainian gypsy punk DJ. Here's Dorian Lynskey in the Guardian:

His physical presence is riveting... bulging, cobalt-blue eyes atop cheekbones that could slice bread. Unfortunately, the role [as Alex in the coming film version of J. Safran Foer's 'Everything is Illuminated'] demanded he lose his signature moustache, a fabulous, curling creation of the kind favoured by 18th-century hussars. Whenever Hutz is thinking hard about something he starts absent-mindedly grooming it. "Everybody in my family has a moustache," he explains. "My grandfather said, 'If you ain't got moustache, you ain't got self-respect.' It's as simple as that."

And Rod? Rod, apparently, is gay. I know this because 'Rod is gay' is scrawled in lippy on the front door of the YMCA down the road. Well done, Rod - you must be glad to have friends who are so joyful about your coming out. I wonder, do you think you could ask them to find alternative ways of celebrating your sexuality? Only we're trying to sell a house here. And not every potential buyer will be as accepting of your lifestyle choices - or your friends' habits with makeup - as we would all like.