People keep asking me to explain who's who in my blog entries. Here's a quick guide. I'm going to backpost it a month ago so it's buried nicely in the archives, and put a direct link from the main page. It may be updated from time to time...


Ben

Tall, rangy, hyperactive. Strong Teesside accent coupled with inability to say anything with using the word 'fook' (or one of its derivatives) every five or so words. One of those rare people who can speak in italics. Training to be a lawyer.

Bruce

University friend. Works in London, accidentally unplugging HM Government's £50,000 servers for a living and/or consigning same servers in batches of ten or more to HM Government skips, on the basis that they're 'the wrong colour' or 'they don't fit in the server room'.

Clive, aka Pies

University friend. Professional actuary working in the city, has recently travelled the world in search of excess carbohydrates and even uglier girls. Recently surprised everyone by hooking up with Carmel, an Irish fellow-actuary with a level of good looks hitherto considered way out of Clive's league.

Captain Furball, aka Furby, Ewok

Former boss of BH and Dave (qv). Officially the world's nicest man, the Captain derives his name from the thick hair that covers his entire body, which fluffs up (apparently) after he's had a hot shower.

Chalky, aka Chalky-San

University friend of BH. Fearless mountaineer and outdoor instructor, runs www.stillwild.co.uk. Given to pontification. Resembles mountain goat.

Dave, aka Dirty Dave

Another contender for the world's nicest man. Pure, wholesome and clean living. Formerly worked alongside BH under the supervision of Captain Furball (qv). Endures constant goading with saintlike patience.

Matt, aka Jonesy

University friend. Short, Welsh, ginger. In long-term relationship with disturbingly good-looking South African girl who is a clear foot taller than him. Normally placid, becomes incredibly aggressive after drinking cider. A bit like a Popeye, only without the homoerotic overtones.

The Münsterländer, aka 'aaarrrgh, let go, I haven't got any!'

Dog. Very demanding of bikkits and possessive of her umlauts. Never barks unless BH is trying to sleep, trying to concentrate or on the phone to a client.

Niall

Friend and neighbour of BH. Another contender for world's nicest bloke, Niall enjoys a level of bad luck comparable to Job's. Is open, upright, honest, plain-dealing, direct, friendly and trusting, and therefore utterly unsuited to life in Richmond in 2005.

Sab

Singer in The Blue Mondays, also performer of several of BH's songs. You can hear samples here and here.

TLMH

The Lovely Mrs Hilton. One higher in the pack hierarchy than the Münsterländer.

Trillian

A character in Douglas Adam's The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, encountered by Arthur Dent on board the spaceship Heart of Gold. Also personal assistant to BH at musical and other events. Nearly as scary as Trinity (qv), but not quite. Speaks Serbo-Croat.

Trinity

Head of security at all of BH's musical events. As she's the most terrifying person on Earth, no further security is needed. Currently training to be a doctor, presumably to refine her torture techniques.