Now that I'm back in Bangor I've signed up for a part-time English Lit MA. My tutor's given me a huge reading list covering my chosen topic (that's the cosmology of Paradise Lost, lit geeks) and told me to bugger off and come back when I've got through it all.

The Bangor English dept also runs an MA and a PhD in Creative Writing. What's all that about, then? How academically rigorous is it? What do the students learn? And what did they do on their holidays?

If you'd like a Creative Writing PhD but you're short of time or money, don't worry: here's a whole course in three short lessons:

Lesson One: Be concise. Never use a long word when a short one will do, and treat all adverbs with suspicion.

Lesson Two: Don't call yourself a 'scribbler' or a 'wordsmith' or refer to what you write as 'ramblings' or 'musings'. It is hard to write with your head stuck up your arse.

Lesson Three: Tell a story in which stuff happens. Include as many good jokes as you can.

Got all those? Good. You are now the proud owner of a PhD from Hilton University, which makes you at least the equal of Gillian McKeith.

Tags: writing, stories, Gillian McKeith